I guess I was somewhat afraid that it wouldn't work, or that I would fail somehow, and as time went on, and things began to change, it was then wonderment rather than fear, that kept me silent. But, I do feel like more people need to know what this is like, because it's important if you're considering making your own decisions about the gastric sleeve, or know someone who is and want to be supportive.
So, let's start at the beginning then, shall we?
My name is Jenn. I'm 30 years old. I grew up in an Italian family that loved and appreciated (and still does) food. Lots of food. Everywhere we went, everything was focused around food. It was just our 'thing'. I can't remember a trip or a moment that didn't circulate around food, and I know that I used it to comfort myself when I was sad, because that's what I learned at home. I can remember the kids picking on me at school, and I would come home and eat because that always made me happy.
And then, I was picked on for being chubby and/or fat. So, what did I do? I ate more. It's a vicious, nasty, horrible cycle that people need to understand is more than just a matter of knowing what a calorie is or how it works. So, my mom put me into a kids weight loss group called ShapeDown. I hated it. I did lose weight, but I didn't feel like it helped me. It was frustrating.
After high school, I went to college, and there my weight really took off. I had NO idea how to feed myself. None, whatsoever. I was always trying diets, and when I wasn't dieting, I was eating how I normally ate, and it never once occurred to me that two grilled cheese sandwiches with fries and a big salad covered in cheese and dressing was not healthy for me. After all, I didn't eat all of the fries, and it was salad, was it not?
Fail.
We won't get into the late night pizza, taco in the student union, epic amounts of food at brunch, including the plate of bacon I could sometimes consume, mug nights, wing nights, visits to the bars, the occasional pot of pasta with sauce or butter, or the entire medium pizza I might eat alone in my apartment over the span of four hours while I was studying. The concept of a calorie LITERALLY meant nothing. To think back on it now, I am ashamed to say that at the age of 19-21, I was not able to take care of myself because I wasn't properly educated on how to do so. I am not making excuses -I simply want people to understand that it is honestly possible to NOT know. Sure, I didn't always think that I was eating healthy, but did I ever think that I was consuming 3000-4000 calories per day? Absolutely not. Never.
Looking back on it, it makes me very sad, only because if that sad, lonely girl in college had known, maybe she would have been able to make some changes and take back control. Then again, who knows? I feel like that life was meant for me to live so that I could learn and come out on top and make changes. I can remember staring at myself in the mirror in my dorm room and thinking about how I would look if I could just lose the weight. Would people like me more? Would guys actually want to date me, rather than just try to hook up and act like it never happened? Howcome I couldn't be the hot girl, rather than her roommate, just once? I wondered what it would be like to not have people stare at me, judge what I was eating or wearing, make comments, throw me out of parties after comparing me to a cow.... all of these thing happened, and they still sting in the remembering as much as they did then.
As I got older and moved around, I gained and lost weight frequently. First, I moved to Charlotte, NC to teach high school where I did Weight Watchers and lost 50lbs pretty quickly. Then, I got into a very, very bad abusive relationship, and I gained weight back. I had no money as a result, and I was eating like crap. At this point, I did know to some extent that I wasn't eating well, but when all I had was $5 or $10 for a couple of meals, the dollar menu at McD's looked like gourmet cuisine. No lie.
Eventually, I got the control back and I left NC, moved back home, and got a new job. Almost immediately, I went back to trying to lose weight. I hated being a size 22/24, and I didn't want to be that anymore. I made a friend who inspired me and helped me to try to make those changes, and I managed to lose 70lbs. I fell in love. I had my heart broken. I ran a half-marathon. I had health issues where I was banned from exercise. I tried to pick up the pieces. I bought a house. I gained all of the weight back and then some.
At some point, you grow tired of it. You think - I CANNOT keep doing this anymore. There was a lot going into that, too. I started thinking about VSG long before I actually took the steps to learn about it. I kept it to myself, too....n that deep, dark place where you hold onto dreams and imagine what life would be like if they came true. That place where you think of all the things you'd do if you won the lottery, had a body like Kim Kardashian, or married Prince William - you don't actually expect any of it to happen, but you still dream about it. That's where I put the thought of doing VSG or ever reaching my goal weight. You cannot imagine how difficult that was for me, because I wanted to talk about it. I was just afraid.
Then, my friend R.* and I were talking about weight loss surgery, and I learned that she was considering the same thing. We tossed around the bypass and the lapband, but eventually we both settled on the sleeve. And then a funny thing happened- we started going through the process together to get the surgery. At first, it was just 'well, let's see what they say.' and we would learn something, and then we met the doctor, and he was amazing, and we both felt like maybe it was possible. And then I found out that my hunger hormones were a MESS, and that was part of the reason I was starving all of the time - sure, my love of food was DEFINITELY part of it- but it wasn't all of it. Finally, I felt better knowing it was JUST my failure. My body failed me when I needed it to take care of me, but at least I had answers, and I had a way out, so I continued to go through the steps - the psych evaluation, the doctors visits, the visits to the nutritionist, the visits to the eating behaviorist - it was a constant stream of doctor visits here and there.
Sometimes, R. and I would go to lunch, and we would sit imagining how our lunches would change once we had the surgery. We would envision 1/2 cup of food and laugh at how ridiculous it sounded to eat so little, and yet, in the imagining, we went through something very important. But more on that later.
R. got the call for the surgery a month before I did. Hers went well, and I hoped mine would, too. I wasn't even sure I would get approved, but she had, so I was hopeful. Once I got the call, I scheduled it for December 19, 2011. It was a Monday. I had to do two weeks on a liquid protein diet to prepare for the surgery, and beforehand I visited NYC and saw Tori Amos in concert. I felt huge. I felt so uncomfortable in the seats at the theater, and just in general. Sitting at tables to eat, I felt huge then, too. My body just kept getting in the way. I have no idea how much I weighed, but I have my guesses that I was probably close to, if not just over, 300lbs. I was in a size 24, and it was tight, but I REFUSED to buy a 26 when I knew that surgery was close. REFUSED. And the funny thing is that, once I told my friends and family what I was planning to do, most of them were utterly convinced that I was not big enough for surgery.
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| Halloween 2011 |
Lovely family and friends I have. :)
The point is - it was a really long journey to get to where I was going. I am going to go more in depth at each part of it. I hope you will come with me on some of the new stuff, and reminisce with me on some of the old stuff, and I hope that if you have found this page because you are considering VSG, or any weight loss surgery, that it helps you- that you feel less alone and less unsupported.
I hope I can make your journey a little easier.
In love and light,
Jenn
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